“Why did you call me?”
Is the first thing he says. He tries to cover it up but his voice still sounds concerned.
“ I am scared. I feel uneasy, I can’t sleep.”
“You said you didn’t want to talk to me ever again.”
“I don’t know. I feel anxious”
“Do you want to go out?”
“Please. I feel suffocated.”
“Meet you in the playground in 5.”
I stand up from the bed that I hadn’t stepped out of for countless hours. I stumble around the dark room. Grab a jacket from the floor, put on some shoes and exit the house.
My stomach churns again as the late night’s cold breeze hits my face. The streets are empty and the ground is wet.
Minutes later, I enter the dark playground; I see a silhouette by the swings, Jay is already here.
I walk up there slowly, dragging my feet and sit next to him on the second empty swing.
A few seconds later I hear him lighting a cigarette. I look at him to find him looking back at me.
I shake my head and look in front of me again. The wind is moving around the other swing sets on the other side of the playground. They sway in different directions as my eyes follow them.
“What’s wrong?” He says, in that sickening sad tone that makes me want to throw up.
“You know when it’s one of those nights? When you feel like you can do fucking anything? Like take off all of your clothes and go swimming in the cold? You want to scream so hard that you lose your voice? But at the same time you can’t do anything and you feel like you’re stuck, in time in place and it kills you? “
“What do you want Emmy?” He sounds tired. It is three in the morning after all. And he still ran here and arrived before I did.
What do I want? What’s wrong with me? I’ve asked myself this so many times that words didn’t make sense anymore.
“I want you Jay.” I say for no reason, and my voice, stripped from any emotion, betrays me.
“Stop bullshitting me Emmy, you’ve never wanted me.” Jay bitterly chuckles.
“You’re selfish Emmy. You pretend not to care about anything but you only care about yourself.”
“That’s right.” I say again.
“I hate you for that.” He says quietly.
“And yet you still came here as soon as I called you.” I state.
“That’s right.” He echoes me.
“You’re so pathetic Jay.” I suddenly spit out. I feel something kicking inside my stomach, scratching the insides of it over and over again. I taste acid on my tongue.
“I will never understand you. I cursed at you, treated you so bad. Why are you here?”
“Why did you call me then?”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s time for you to actually ask yourself why you make certain decisions. You can’t live like that.”
“I am scared of being alone.”
“No that’s not true. You’re scared of finding no one when you’re done wanting to be alone. You want someone to be there for you whenever YOU need them. I know you Emmy.”
“ I know you Emmy!” I scream out and stand up, facing Jay. “Why does everyone keep saying that? You don’t know me! How can you know me when I can’t even understand myself!”
He looks at me and I can still see the same tender sparkle in his eyes as the night he confessed to me.
“Oh god jay I pity you. How can you be like this?” I say, face contracting in a disgusted expression.
“It’s because I love you.” He says simply.
I snort out. Love? Suddenly a laugh escapes my lips. And then I break out in hysterical giggles.
I laugh so hard that my stomach contracts and tears come up in my eyes.
I step towards Jay and grab his face in my hands.
“Snap out of it. This love, it doesn’t exist. You’re just imagining it.”
“Why do you not want me to say that I know you when you’re doing the same?”
I let go of his face and step back.
“Because you’re too simple.”
“I am not too simple, you’re the one who’s over complicated.”
“I want to escape.”
“To where?” He asks in a sigh.
“Not to a place. I want it to stop. This anxious feeling. I want to escape to somewhere where it doesn’t exist. I want to leave this body that’s hurting because of its sick soul.” I itch at my skin frantically.
“You’ve gone crazy Emmy!” Jay shouts and grabs my arms.
Do you find this interesting?